The Nothing that Kils

I dont what to get anything out of this. I've actually come to expect nothing for anything that I do. Its the way the world is...not cruel, not forgiving, but in the same sense, not happy, not kind, and not condeming. The world is confused. Any chance that anybody has to be kind is shot down by anothers abuse. Its quite sad. In a world where no one wants to give without first taking, or even worse...take without giving anything. I'm done.....Done with it all. But in the same sense I'm just starting it all. I have a new theory on life, I'm going to stop caring...while I care about everything. Life is one big rhetorical question. No answer..yet the answer is obvious. Life is also a metaphor for what comes next and what came first. The worst has to become the best...but you dont know what the worst is until you have seen the best. Its always cold before it is hot and hot before it is cold.....


So none of that probably made anysense to you...but it all makes sense to me. Love is life, life is breathing, love is not being able to breathe. This will be continued later...

good Day

I am much much much much much happier today. It probably has a lot to do with me talking to Faith a lot more. She is a very funny girl. Always has something funny to say that makes me smile. We are the same person. That is how much we have in common. Its to a point where we are one.

I love this time of year. The leaves changing color and the weather growing cool. It depresses a lot of people, but it inspires me. Its a good season to listen to some mellow accoustic music. Love is a better topic for fall than spring, well atleast for me. I dont see this as being the death of the world, nor do I see spring as being a rebirth. its too cliche to think like that. Give me a nice walk with a girl and a guitar bye the lake or something in the fall. I think its a lot more romantic than flowers and animals in the spring.

new poem. its not the best. but its unpolished. in its rough form. just writing here at the gville tech computer lab. not my best and def not my worst. more to come peoples....



About Love

The lessons you learn will take you far in life
And even if I’m not there with you
I want you to know that I care.
Even when it seems like I’m far away
I always wish I was by your side.
I’ll write you a note on a napkin
At the diner where I weep.
Though you cant read it
It’ll say the things that I cant speak.
It’ll say what I really want you to know.
Itll spell it all out before your eyes.

The sound of your voice
Will be my home away from home
A temporary comfort zone.
When we are together again
I’ll hold on and never let you slip away.
For now you picture will have to do
Stuck in my pocket, folded in two.
I’ll always keep it close by.
I’m tired of playing games in my mind.
It makes me feel so distant from you.
Stuck here wondering what to do

If love is a killer than I must be long gone,
Far Past the point of 6 feet under.
I just wish that you knew
What was going through my mind
Every time I see your smile
Or anytime you make me laugh
You are so good at that
Saying exactly what I want
Now its time to return the favor
But I just don’t have the words.
So I just stumble through lines

So many times I’ve let myself down
When every place I go
I cant help but to think of you.
Every song I write is for you
Even the ones that don’t end well
I’ve been through a lot
Just to make it to this point.
So im going to tell you the truth
Im sick, sick of being alone.
And I hope that you feel the same.
Make it easy for me please.

The distance is metaphorical.
A representation of what’s not real.
I could treat you like a queen
I would be your king,
Or if you prefer a jester.
Who longs for your heart.
But jokes to create a false reality.
Shoot it to me straight
Do I even have a shot?
I long for the answers
I just want to know.

dead man were you ever alive?

I had a pretty good weekend. Didnt get alot done though. I just purchased 4 tickets to the Carolina - Arkansas game and went with my parents. We got down there with plenty of time before the game and had a fly over right over us. It was sweet. Michael Phelps was at the game, which I thought was pretty cool.

My creativity is blocked now. I cant seem to write anything. It might be because life is boring now and I need something to spice it up. I dont feel like doing much of anything anymore. Im stuck in a rut. Work, school, work, school. I havent been a good student. I need to make sure that I do my homework and I probably should start studying. I was thinking about joining the armed forces...but those thoughts have passed. I do feel like I need to do something with my life though. I no longer feel like I want to keep up with the same major. No longer sure what I want to do with my life. I wish I wouldve worked harder in my past so I would be farther ahead now..... I might start pushing harder so I can get out of tech. I dont want to be here. I much rather be somewhere like USC, I would even be happy with upstate. I guess that I was looking too far ahead into being a grown up that I didnt look at the right road to get there. Im now unhappy.....................with everything......

Depression

I feel a bit depressed today. I dont know why either. It has nothing to do with the out come of this election either. America picked who they thought was best suited for the job.... i do think that the system is flawed though. Electorial College is not a representation of how the people feel. It makes it where only people in California, Texas, Ohio, Penn, and New York matter. We smaller states make no difference. But i dont want this post to be all political....



I feel down....... It might be because I'm tired of this being single crap...... Just havent found any girls I really like or any girls who are easy to talk to...every girl that i do like is already taken or i dont have a shot with..so yeah.

NIN show with some more important stuff....

So Alison and I went to the Nine Inch Nails show over the week end. Had an amazing time. The crowd was crazy and the music was so good. Im glad that I asked Alison to go with me, dont think I could have had as much fun as I did if I had gone with anyone else. I held on to her so we wouldn't get separated. I think that that made it more fun really. every where that i went, she went. i got pulled into a mosh and pulled her with me....intense.... I did get kicked in the head by a crowd surfer....the best part of the night was probably rocking it with Alison.....

I like my new job.... The people are really nice. the job is easy and the residents love me... some rich old people here. there is one lady who used to sing with all of these famous people and owns like 6 malls. and another whose son owns rodgers stereo. like i said rich... ive worked so many hours in the past 2 weeks...really nice pay check coming my way. very nice indeed.

I like a girl....... flirt with her...but again hold myself from moving ahead.... she might know who she is, its probably obvious anyways...... haha


and like usual..going to finish with something im writing...

"ive been wasting my life for all these years,
wasting my joy, wasting my tears
on all these girls who just break my heart,
say that its over before it can start.
now there is one girl who has it all
everything that i need if i do recall.
she might just be the girl for me
what i need to live happily."

its been awhile

so its been awhile since i've updated my blog. thought it was time to do so.
I no longer work at cec. I got a full time job at a retirement home now. serving in the diningroom.
i feel bad about leaving my cec friends, cause since everyone else went to college they have been my closest friend, especially alison. i talk to her a lot. it seems like everytime im around my mom texting and she asks who i'm texting, it is always alison. dont know how we got closer all of a sudden.... but i dunno.

nothing new in the love life. i like this one girl....thats about it........haha.

new poem being worked on....i'll share what i have real fast.....

"A man with no feelings is a person just the same,
When the world is coming to an end, who do we blame?
If it makes you happy, just place it on me.
Though I didn't do it, ill just let it be.
If they chase me down, with fire and force.
Ill sit right there and take the right course.
Even if I am beaten and the broken,
The righteous truth will be spoken.
ill just close my eyes and drift away
speak all of the words that i need to say."

Seasons in our dreams

Been doing a lot of writing and a lot of thinking. But the thinking hasnt really lead to anything but my writing. So I am left of thoughts of why have these thoughts if I'm not going to do anything with them but write. So why not act on them? easier said than done. But maybe soon ill make it easier done than said. new writing that I wrote like 5 minutes ago. and its no where near complete.

"so there are some words
that ive been wanting to say
could we just sit here for a while?
the strength will come to me soon
its already all on its way.
i just need to tell you somethings
i can see it in your eyes
you're hoping for me to say
the words that you want to hear
what youve been waiting for.
I decide to make my move.
pulling myself closer to you.
I want to show you how i feel.
you want me to draw near.
The breaths grow deeper
as I try to pull the words out.
my thoughts get all jumbled
dont seem to come out right.
but you sit there quietly.
waiting still with a smile.
i stumble through my words
but you get the message
your feelings have been the same
you were just waiting on change
"

and another one. i had the first 4 lines written as part of a song. and as i started to type on here I kinda started writing more and turned it into a poem.

"when youre alone
what makes your life worth living?
the thought of past days
or the thought of whats to come?
so while youre thinking
im going to paint you a picture.
a so called silhouette of words.
let my emotions flow from my mouth.
and land on the palette of life.
mixing into many wonderful colors.
my brush is my best disguise .
i start with small strokes
focusing on the details and feelings
feelings such as love and hope
the colors are bright and vivid.
i make the last stroke
you look towards my painting
but all you see is a blank easel.
it makes you question my question
for there is no easy response.
you see, you paint your lifes picture
with what you do and what you say.
So paint a pretty picture for me
and for others to fully enjoy."


now that i have the writings out of the way, i feel a bit relieved. there is an underlying meaning to what they both mean. wish i had the strength to be straight forward about how i feel about things. but yeah. i make things complicated. maybe soon things will be uncomplicated. but for now. i hope you enjoyed my writings and maybe one of you who reads this will see the meaning to my words.
good night, and good luck.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

So life is going by really quickly lately. I haven't had much time to look at whats going on and appreciate it fully. A lot of people and things are changing. Some for the worse and some for the better. I've been doing a little bit of writing recently and I really like what I have so far. I'll throw what I wrote last night later in the post.
School has actually been pretty enjoyable. Well one class has. I'm way ahead of the people in my German class because its introductory German and I have already studied it for 3 years. My Solidworks class is soo much fun. I really enjoy doing the 3d modeling. There is just one problem I have with school and that is the fact that one class ends at 4 and I dont have another class till 6. It would be a waste to leave and come back so I just chill at school. I do my homework and read and listen to music. I constantly text people so that time will pass by faster.
I really enjoy the rain. Every aspect of it. But most of I really enjoy the smell. The smell is just so soothing and relaxing. And the sound is just soo peaceful. There is nothing I love more than a summer shower. We have gotten a lot of rain the past few days. I just hope its not raining on Thursday when I head down to Columbia to see the USC-NCSTATE game. Although, it would be pretty sweet to be at a game where its raining.
That game is the start to a very busy next few weeks. Thursday- football game. then saturday going to see Needtobreath, the wallflowers, and state of illusion in anderson. Next saturday Im going to see needtobreathe with alison at the handlebar. then the next saturday is bob's wedding, which i need to find a date to. haha. the saturday after that it's back down to columbia for the USC-Wofford game, and then hopefully the saturday after that will be back in the Cola once more for the USC-UAB game. hope things work out that way. Maybe some things will also happen to allow for me to be extra busy in the near future.
I do need to find time for someone and something very important though. KNZ has always been there for me and for her birthday she wants all her friends to make a page for her scrapbook. I really hope I can find time to get over there and do that for her.
So I promised that I would include my newest writing at the end so here it is. It is still in the works. things in hte "( )" marks might possibly be traded for things it the "[ ]" marks.

Though the sun is gone, I still have a light.
Its not too hard to see whats in plain sight.
You're standing there right in front of me
yet im somebody else, not at all me.
the days are shorter and the nights are cold
your holding me up, dont want to see me fold.
i grap your hand and hold on tightly,
[i close my eyes, wish for what could be] (could be blind and still be able to see)
(its all)[whats] laid out here, our paths have met
wondering if destinies are set

Counting Down the Moments Till I reach Nirvana....

So last time I posted on here I said that I had some moves that I felt that I need to make. Well, I havent made those moves.....yet... I feel like I am getting more confident with what I do and say. I have a lot of friends backing me up and who will always be there if I need them. I just want them to know how happy I am to have them. They all know who they are. If youre not sure if youre one of those people just think.. if you have ever helped me with anything..no matter how small..then you are one of those people. Thank you.
So I had some time to talk to David. I like helping him out. Give him some advice on girls and stuff. Though I havent been too lucky keeping a girl myself, I feel like Ive been through enough stuff and I actually pay attention to whats going on. That in its self makes me someone good to go to. Im not sure if he wants the advice cause he never asks for it...but I feel good giving it too him. I want him to succeed.... and do well. He has a great heart. and Im not afraid to say that I love him to death. He has been one of the greatest friends that I have ever had.
The main purpose of this post is to talk about something BIG but not really that big.. I keep getting closer to making the moves that I keep talking about. Confidence is growing... There is this one girl that I have found myself to really like. She is really cool and a great friend. Hopefully soon I will be able to make those moves. And maybe she will feel the same way. Maybe I'll finally have found the girl that all my friends say I deserve. But I dont want to go on and on about the same thing. haha. So I'm going to go back to listening to music..The Automatic Automatic album is pretty amazing. everyone should own it. And then go to bed and head to work tomorrow.

Holding myself back

So Life.......yeah... its been great and its been bad. When I think I'm heading to where I want to be I end up holding myself back and not getting there. I dont know why I do it. I realize that I truly have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So why not just take the leap? Get what I want.... I'm not sure of that answer. Its probably some sort of insecurity caused by something...wish I knew what. Maybe there is some one who could help me find it and deal with it. Or someone who doesnt really care about what ever it is that makes me insecure...and just likes me for who I am and maybe more. Maybe... just maybe, that person has been right in front of me for the longest time too. There are people I like, of course. One in particular..... But I flirt with them and dont do anything more and they end up passing me by. I lay in bed and night and wonder why...and even think about times I shouldve made a move and how I wouldve done it... Thats the problem with my life. There are a lot of "shouldves" and wouldves". Nothing too definite.... I wish that I could look back at those situations and say that I DID WHAT I now feel like I shouldve done. And as I look forward at situations I plan what I will/want to do. and do I end up doing it.....NO. But I want to..but again something is holding me back. You would think with the way I am able to open myself up for the world to see that I would be able to figure it out...... Maybe.....Hopefully.... If not its just going to be more of the same...me living life pretending to be fine.. Well I am fine....just not as good as I want to be. No where as happy as I could be. But hopefully soon I will take the actions that I feel like I should... and have the life I want to have..

Look for a new writing from me in the next few days working on a song/poem thing....

First Day

So I've been thinking a lot about life. I feel that I need an outlet for my thoughts. I have began to write music with my friend David, and I really like what I am hearing so far. Most of the stuff that I write is about girls and my journey on the road that is life. The funny think is that most the stuff will be about girls that I am not with. I like them but haven't taken the steps to make it anything. That seems to be a problem I have, not being able to act on my thoughts. I think into things way too much and it prevents me from being as happy as I could be. I'm going to end this post with what I posted on facebook yesterday.

"this started out as a song. but then ended up more like a poem. but still probably could be a song. its me having a conversation with myself. trying to figure some things out. its about feeling blue and sad and whatever even though the world is beautiful. its about not being able to open myself up to say what i need to say and letting moments past me by, or how i let girls past me by. i'm tired of being the guy who flirts with girls but finds it hard to take it past that. i'm trying to change myself. which im not sure if i really should. all these girls keep telling me that im a really nice/good guy...but that isnt doing much for me. its like the saying says "nice guys finish last" i told that to my mom the other day and her response was "hey, atleast they finish. some people dont even make it that far." that got me thinking. which can either be a really good thing..or a bad thing....but i do feel that change is coming. all i have to do is sort out some thoughts and act on what i find. im expecting big things from myself soon.. maybe some things i thought i would never be able to do.but i'm going to need some help to keep me down to earth and help me keep everything that im aiming for realistic. i feel like it wont be a problem. but i also cant tell the future.

so here is my poem now that ive given everyone the meaning to it.. but i hope you can find you own meanings in my words. "

conversation with myself

i say "hello,
how are you?
why are you looking so blue?
do you even have a clue?
A sunny day
has come your way.
so what are you gonna go do?
your day all depends on you."

you say "hello
i dont know
why im feeling so blue.
no i dont have a clue.
i'll live my life
the best i can
thats about all i can do
so what about you?"

i say "well
that is fine
all you have is time
and i'm doing quite fine.
i need to say
whats on my mind
the times have changed
yet the thoughts remain."

you say "ok
go ahead
open it all up for the world to see
you know that you can trust me
spill it out
have no regrets.
its not as easy as it all sounds
but peace is there to be found."

I say "see.
i dont know
if thats all me
that i see when i look at the mirror.
i seem to hold my self back
i dont want to
but i do.
is there anyway to help me
any way to set myself free?"